So gullible.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
Even robots need a vacation from time-to-time
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called βold-iron-sidesβ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play βreveilleβ to wake, βmess callβ for meals, βdrill callβ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said βHeβs taking a vacation dayβ. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
I donβt mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
A random voice asked: “Have you recently had an accident that wasn’t your fault?”
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
When you die, which part of the body is the last one to stop working?
The pupils. They dilate
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because heβs been chasing me for ages!
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse…
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Genβe: Weβrd but okay.
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, itβs Wreck It Ralph. Sheβs 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
https://ift.tt/2Q9AxGf
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
I bought the worldβs worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, itβs terrible.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun…."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Whatβs the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.