So how was my my funeral?
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Yeah me too.
People are dying all around the world just to mess with your loser president *eye roll*
https://ift.tt/33vbr99
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine replied, "Yes, sir!"
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole’s Law…
Is basically just cabbage.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Why does the Dalai Llama go to Vegas so often?
He loves Tibet.
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
A robber enters a bank, he pulls out a gun, and he shouts: “Everyone on the ground. This is a robbery!”. Immediately, everyone in the bank drops down with their hands on their heads except for one man reading a newspaper.
The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.