So I asked a sheep how it is to be a sheep.
"Meh…"
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Donald J. Trump walks into a bar…
and lowers it
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
No text found
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in. As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina. Miss Catarina: Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds. The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture. Miss Catarina: I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty? Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names. Miss Catarina: And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here. (She says with a smirk) The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement. Miss Catarina: I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen! Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope! The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused. Miss Catarina: I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? It’s because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money! The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical. Miss Catarina: It was nice meeting you, Penelope! She then moves to the second child. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian! Lillian: Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly! Miss Catarina: And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower! The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern. Miss Catarina: It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lillian. Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child. Miss Catarina: And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all! While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina. Skeptical Woman: I’ve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! We’re leaving! While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him. Miss Catarina: You have a wonderful day, Richard!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
A drumset is a very deep instrument
It's full of cymballism.
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
When trump said we’d get tired of winning, I didn’t believe him. Boy was he right.
https://ift.tt/2xjopeD
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.