So I walked into he doctor’s office
He said : “Pick a star sign any star sign.”
I said : “Capricorn”
And he said : “Nah you got cancer”
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
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Why did the dolphin delete the universe? Because:
(The punchline was removed from the universe)
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket. I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong. He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov