So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong.
Ahem.
So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him
but this isn't even my final form.
(: ¡¡ʇɥƃᴉN pooפ
Love, Australia.
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.” “Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.” Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…” The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.” “You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. “Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?” The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”. The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!” “Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
A magician worked on a cruise ship…
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
Picked my dog up from getting fixed. This is how he looked. (He’s just fine today!)
https://ift.tt/3bSVqh1
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.
Good players are hard to find.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.