So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
So I packed my stuff up and right
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
You’re under a vest!
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
It's about Time!
The bed might be easier though.
Because he couldn’t see that well
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
"Cock, a doodle do."
It can offer a whole lot more.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said “is that dinner?” He said “No, I’m a sinner” And took it up stairs to fuck it.
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
I'd tell you, but you wouldn't really appreciate thr punchline with Reddit's default font.
Due to unforeseen circumstances
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
It was bread in captivity.
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
I told her it's just a plant
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
It’s a small scale operation.
It just goes from bad to worse…
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Can’t be spotted
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
……it's a play on words.
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.