So it begins…
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
New job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.” Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
It’s April 1st…
Happy April Flu’s Day!
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.