So it wasn’t funny then?
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel…
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Why did dad get angry when the window was broken?
Because it was a pane to replace.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
Do you find out the secret of the whore?
First of all, it’s a long one and I am not a native speaker. Would be great if within the comments some native speakers might improve it so it is even better for the people to follow 😉 I will update the joke after some time! Thanks!! And now Let’s start! ——— JOKE STARTS HERE ——- There is guy who had not had sex for a veeeeery long time. As he is single and some dates went against his expectations he wants to go to a brothel to have a nice time. He takes a cab and after a short ride and a grinning face of the cab driver he arrived at his destination. At the entry he is asked by the bawd what his preferences are. „Nothing special. I just want to have a good time. Can you recommend someone or something?“ „Uhhh…there is someone really special now for few days in this location!“ „Whats so special about her?“ the guy asked quite interested. „Simple. She is giving you a blowjob and whilst doing this will sing a beautiful song!“ „How the fuck is this possible???“ „No idea. You have to try! Last floor. 3rd door!“ The guy puts his money on the table and runs upstairs standing in front of the said door. Slowly opening there is a beautiful woman sitting in a room on her bed. The guy jumps in with a lot of anticipation immediately getting nude and asking the woman she shall start with what the bawd had told. The woman is looking at him smiling: „Wow. Someone can’t wait anymore. But first you have to play my rules!“ „Huh!?!“, the guy replied bewildered. „The rules are clear: You sit on my bed. Getting nude – that’s what you already have done this time. I will shut down the lights, entering the bathroom enclosed to this room. Will come back after I have prepared few things and will start with the show!“ „Ok.“ the guy responded confused, but yet willing to follow what she has said. And there it goes. Lights go out. She walks into the bathroom. Comes back. And the show starts with an oral explosion. And if this might be enough the woman sings the most beautiful version of “somewhere over the rainbows” he ever heard. After 30 secs he cums grabbing the hairs of the woman. The woman stops. And asks the guy to just wait for a moment and puts the light on! The guy is just completely impressed and gets back home. Laying home in his bed he is still thinking about this awkward blowjob and tries to figure out how the fuck this woman can give the best and tightest blowjob he ever received, but yet is singing like a goddess. “How the fuck is this possible?”, he thinks and swears to find out the next day paying attention to every detail. Next day. Next evening. The guy is standing in front of the bawd again. Throwing once again his money on the table and yelling “The singing woman again!”. The bawd just grins and opens the door to the stairs. Last floor. Third door. The woman recognizes him and tells him he has to follow the rules! So he sits down on the bed getting nude. Light are turned off. The woman goes to the bathroom. Comes back in darkness and starts to blow and sing. The orgasm is awesome and the song is brilliant. Evening and adventure ends. So he is laying in his bed again at home and still has no fucking clue what happened. “Tomorrow i will find out. There must be a rational solution to all of this!” And so he decides to visit the brothel ONE more time the next evening. The bawd laughs. “Once again our special blowjob??” “Yes!”. So he runs upstairs and he fucking swears to find out the secret today! The woman awaits him. And reminds him to follow the rules otherwise he will be kicked out with no cash back!! “I do!! I do!!!” So the lights been shut down. He sits in the bed and this time…instead of getting nude…he decides to turn on the light. So he triggers the switch. Enlightening the room. And as the guy inspects the room. He sees a glass eye on the night stand next to the bed.
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
What’s an angry window made of?
Tempered glass
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.