So it works…
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
No text found
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
I find bone puns very
Humerus
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
I asked my sheepdog how many sheep we had, he said 40.
"What? We should only have 37!" I replied. "I know" he said, "I rounded them up".
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
Two wind turbines in a field
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
