So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.
The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer. Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!” The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.” So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “Wow! That tastes just like Coke!” “Yup, and now turn it around.” The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said “ Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!” He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar. A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said “Hey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!” The bartender said “Go a head and take a bite” So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously “Huh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.” “Mmhm. Now turn it around” The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. “That tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!” A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. “Dude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!” Said the first man. The second chimed in “Yeah man, it’s incredible!” He held up his apple “I’m on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!” The new man thinks about his order and says “Anything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!” So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart. The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar. “EEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it… it tasted… it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!” That’s when everyone in the bar shouted “TURN IT AROUND!”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.