So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
My girlfriend and I decided to get married
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
Robber ties up guy and a girl
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall
It was a little condescending
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."