So many

like there's no tomorrow.

Me: Make up your mind.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.

1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

I wonder what she is up to now.

He found it an arrowing experience

Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

Towels.

You can hear a pin drop, after all.

I can’t believe I missed all the red flags

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

Should get a nobell prize

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?…” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely. “Suuuure…” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief. The next day the man returns. “Your cat lose it’s tail again?” the farmer laughs. “No, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?” The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmer’s surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says “Thank you” and carries on down the road. The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have some pussy willows back…” “WAIT A MINUTE!!!” The farmer shouts. “Let me grab my gloves, I’m comin’ with ya.”

I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

His trial is expected to last forever

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

A receding hareline.

The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

It was very confusing.

But when I got home, the tables were turned…

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

From a distance they looked like hares.

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?" The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that". "Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here". "I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager". The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?" "Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please." "OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant." "But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you." The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!" The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant." "Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom."

Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.

The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

71

Men toes.

The results speak for themselves!

They’re really good at it.

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. ​ "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. ​ "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. ​ "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. ​ "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. ​ "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" ​ The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"

It gives them a lot of wiggle room.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.