Is that my wife or should I pay her?
Don’t touch it!!
Me and my friend trying to save our programming project
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Social media bad.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Reading MotherTruckin’ Rainbow
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
Stepfather put this in the family chat.
Just having a breakdown on top of a roof caw caw
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
Ngl this is actually funny
My kind of lady
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”…
Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?…” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely. “Suuuure…” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief. The next day the man returns. “Your cat lose it’s tail again?” the farmer laughs. “No, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?” The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmer’s surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says “Thank you” and carries on down the road. The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have some pussy willows back…” “WAIT A MINUTE!!!” The farmer shouts. “Let me grab my gloves, I’m comin’ with ya.”
Make 2020 great and get rid of this moron …
THIS IS NOT NORMAL ANYMORE… BOOMERS, WHAT’S WRONG
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
When she wants to smash but you’ve given up on life
Sex funny, wife bad
Programmer good, users bad
Low effort meme
High-value target protection
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
How Web Browser works
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
Doing the Math
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
I guy I know on fb posts shit like this every day.
Calling US out
Did you try overflow: hidden; ?
Woof woof haha
Posted in the wrong sub and yeah so it’s in this one now..
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Some languages are for the hardcore.
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
Never gonna lose again
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?" The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that". "Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here". "I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager". The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?" "Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please." "OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant." "But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you." The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!" The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant." "Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom."
Did you miss the IOKIYAR Amendment to the Constitution? It’s OK, If You’re A Republican.
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
No one could have seen this coming
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
They just don’t understand
Programmers Comment Level 9000
I will admit this is a bit funny
Posted by a non-boomer married to a boomer
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.