So much disappointment
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
A newly wed couple are in bed together
A newly wed couple are in bed together. The wife reaches over to grab her husband. "Oh my God, it's so big" she said. The husband gave a pleased hum. "Are they all this big?" She asked. "More or less," he said. "It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed. "Yeah," he said nonplussed. "I want this so bad," she moaned. "I can see that," he replied amused. "Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!" Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife
RIP to longtime âthe Price is Rightâ host Bob Barker
Heâs still alive, but heâs 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
There was a homeless man with a sign that said â1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: âThere is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: âTwo?â Homeless man: âRight, now how many wings this black rooster got?â Me: âTwo?â Homeless man: âRight, now how many eyes this black rooster got?â Me: âTwo?â Homeless man: âRight again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: âI don't know? A lot?â Homeless man: âWell, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?â
6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because youâre supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says âmake my horse laugh and win $500â
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says âmake my horse stop laughing and win $500â. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says Iâll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse âmy dick is bigger than yoursâ. The bartender asks âso what did you tell him just now?â âNothing, I proved itâ.
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
I just yelled, âF, YOU GUYS!â at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, âGive me all your money or youâre geography!â
The teller replies, âDonât you mean history?â The robber says, âDonât change the subject!"
I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…
He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
So a politician dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to âchug,chug,chug,chugâ