So much to process
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her Β£50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found Β£2,000 in the car park
Asian girls donβt poop…
…they take dumplings.
A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them…
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves". The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach. The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face. Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?" The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".
What are terminators called when they retire?
Exterminators
Why couldnβt the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Our friend Chuck hasnβt contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
A fisherman walks into r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, βWhatβs wrong?β. She screamed. βThese contractions are killing me!!β βI am sorry, honey.β I replied. βWhat is wrong?β
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (Itβs a learning joke π)
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other dayβ¦
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says βWhat can I get you?β
βPopβ goes the weasel.
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
βGive it to me now!β She yelled βIβm so wet!β
She can scream all she wants, sheβs not getting my fucking umbrella
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. βSo what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.β The second man says: βI arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.β The third man says: βI arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.β
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
Why couldnβt the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call a sheep on wheels?
A Lamborghini.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
Itβs very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up