So my aunt (63) started to send me memes. Since I don‘t want to be rude and not answer I just started to send her the worst from this subreddit, she LOVES them!
Before Beyoncé got married,
she was someone's Feyoncé
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
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[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
Landing on the Moon
In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. ‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked. ‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’ ‘The Moon?! Hmm… could you then do me a favor?’ ‘What do you want?’ ‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’ ‘What’s the message?’ The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly. ‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts. ‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’ The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message. When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off. ‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’ 'It says – Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
