So my grandma shared this (besides she’s always at home on her laptop)
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said ‘are you sure?
Then I said 'im definite
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.