So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..
…he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll think about it and leaves. He thinks about it for sometime and finally after working up the courage he goes back to the doc and agrees to do the procedure . Finally after a long long painful surgery Bill walks out a new man. He walks around for the first time without his balls and tries not to think about his loss. He walks around and passes by a suit store he tells himself 'I am a new man today!…let me buy my new self some clothes” . He goes in and asks the owner "sir can u get me a blazer" the owner looks at him and says "one blazer coming up size 13" bill is amazed that the guy was able to tell his size by just looking at him and says "damn how'd u know" the owner answers "been in the business 50 years" bill tells him “ ok then let me get pants" the owner says "one pair of pants coming up size 35 waist" again bill is amazed he asks the guy "how did u know?" .."been in the business 50 yrs i know it all" Bill still surprised asks him "how about a pair of underwear" the owner looks at him and says "one pair of underwear size 10 coming up" bill jumps up and says "ha you were wrong im a size 8 been wearing 8 for 40 years " the owner looks at him concerned and retorts”well you shouldnt have ….8 is too small ,it will make your balls press up against your spine and give you a crazy headache".
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Will it or will it not?
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Best dealmaker ever
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam! He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot! Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!” He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl. The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom. “Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!” “Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.” The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!” “I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.” Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.
How my boss thinks programming works.
*laughs in sith lord*
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
When children have to be the adults
A Nun is very distraught…
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.” “Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.” Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…” The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.” “You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. “Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?” The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”. The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!” “Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
lol Christmas story
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
He wore a mask!
For those who remember the Marlon Brando / Christopher Reeve movie…
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Me a Hacker Pro!
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
You can fool the normal people but not developers
Milk is the fastest thing on Earth.
It's pasteurized before you know it.
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Do you know the English programming language?
Food Pictures bad
FORTRAN, SASL, MATLAB, Julia, Mathematica, Smalltalk, Lua , Erlang, APL
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? 🐄
It’s pasture bedtime.
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Every Single Time
Stolen from twitter
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
I don’t know any dean jokes.
No text found
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
Water is wet
What enchantment does the MAGIC HAT have?
When you were right the whole time
So I found this lying around and forgot to put it up earlier, here you go
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
How to stump a non-American
My wife was really pissed when I told her I spent $1,000 on a new wallet……
I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
5 years a bed, gone in 5 seconds
My eyes are sad
My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning….
Luckily I was still up playing my drums
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
You can try to make it foolproof, but you’ll always find a bigger fool
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Boomer movie humor
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
It’s so sad but so true
Mony machine go brrr
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
It’s the effort that counts right?
What do you call a seizing cow?
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.
As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck. The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.” The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored bu her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered “Too bad you had me neutered.”
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?