So no more formal White House dinners then
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar
The Chinese man goes: âHi, my name is Joe Chan, whatâs yours?â The Jew replies: âMichael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.â The Chinese man, surprised, replies: âUhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and Iâm Chinese.â âWell.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, whatâs the difference?â âYou know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.â âUhhh… but that was an iceberg.â âGreenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, whatâs the difference?â
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
I feel like something is off but I just canât put my head to it
I feel like something is off but I just canât put my head to it
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! Iâm Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmyâs folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now weâre going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells⌠"SUPPLIES!"
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, âThanks dad, that means a great deal.â
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. âPardon me, sir,â the mailman says, âbut you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, itâs only going to end up back at your home in a few days.â âAh, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so againâ replies the Buddhist monk. âBut sir,â says mailman, âyou will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.â âBut that is my intention, dear man,â replies the Buddhist monk. âYou see, reposting is the best way to get karma.â
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
Did you know that Diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that Iâm going for a jog, and then I donât.
Itâs my longest running joke of this year.
My car horn wasnât working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, âBeep repairedâ
My wife asked if her turn signal was working
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.