So Presidential!
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs”
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
Two chemists walk into a Bar
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high..
She looked surprised
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
![Assault and Pepper [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wyfla1s8f4n41-400x498.png)
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I went to Walmart today..
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
