So sad
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
For nearly a year I have been investing heavily in stocks
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
[removed]
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
$20.00 for a T-Shirt? Ridiculous! $20.00 for DLC skins? Sold!
$20.00 for a T-Shirt? Ridiculous! $20.00 for DLC skins? Sold!
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1.50. But a pork pie will cost 1.80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2.30 and a chicken pie will cost 2.75.
These are pie-rates of the Caribbean.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”