I just started SQL. Does this work here?
Idk how to search for pics, but something I found on Facebook.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
Coronavirus got to Mexico
Protect our reefs
A man walks in through the front door after work
and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing. "Woah woah woah…what gives?!?" the man says. The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up. "I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims. She presents a small slip of paper with a woman's name and some digits on it. "That?!? Honey it's the name of a horse I'm betting on this weekend! Come on!!" Defeated, she apologizes and retreats back to the den. The next day the man gets home from work, and low and behold she lunges at him again as he walks through the door, smacking him left and right even more violently than the day before, shouting obscenities he didn't even know she was capable of. "Jesus what did I do this time?!?" the man bellows with his arms guarding his face. "The HORSE called!"
The Passing of the Torch…Gen X is the new Boomers?
Why does no one know what happens after death?
please finger root
You won’t believe this simple trick. ATLAS hates it.
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
Interns on their first day
Glad we cleared that up
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
one huge asterixis
Naming things is hard
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
Cat trying to get in.
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
Kinda funny, but kinda sad
Just being honest.
enough tik tok
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
The gift that keeps on giving…
Need some aloe for that burn
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
WONKA: Congratulations Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours
CHARLIE: That’s wondrous! WONKA: Now, first thing will be handling this PR crisis. CHARLIE: Wait, wha- WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves? Edit: credit for this amazing joke https://mobile.twitter.com/WenzlerPowers/status/1181625842885124096?s=20&utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
When you finished your project…
Another classic in my lecture
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Sometimes they make good shit
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Remember when Trump gave Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom….
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf." Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together." The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?" Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?" Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me. The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball. Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.." The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?" Wife: "uh I want lots of money…." "Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account." Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!" "You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband. Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country." Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay." Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!" Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife." Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different." Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it" The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?" Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?" Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies…..
Why is it always phones?
Must be hard on the neck
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
It’s very complex
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
my dad just sent me this…he isn’t even a boomer.
Damn it exit! Exit! EXIT!
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
That’s a lot of bricks
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
Bunker Bitch. Help It Stick.
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
Probably the same person
I shame those silly n00bs that dont know all the metric system prefixes
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
Mic Drop from Granny
Tester or Developer 🙂
Just do it
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.