So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later.
"Sir, we have good news and bad news."
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
He couldn’t see that well.
Because fish swim in schools.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
He got a little behind in his work.
I never met herbivore.
It's called the electric slide
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
What a strange way to start a conversation
Just a paramedics
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. “Aye right Show me.” Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks “who’s been a good boy then?” Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. “what he say?” Mate asks
"woof" guy replies
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
They’re just so remarkable…
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken