So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
Because they can't even.
Because she went to woo Han.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
There have been barely any posts all year.
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
She laughed at me, and said "Oh dad you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
You get 8 more!
Because it had a stable economy.
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…" The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family – I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff… A prostitute Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
For hispanic attacks.
A silent knight.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
“You’re much bigger than that.”
like there's no tomorrow.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
No text found
Police looking for hardened criminals.
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
She's probably pulling your leg
He's now in custody for assault.
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.