So that’s what the name means
Now it’s a Ford Focus
They both never get old.
The Marinara Trench
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
I'm taking steps to avoid them
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?" Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works… And replied "both". The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?" She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both". The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?" She thought of that aspect and replied "both". The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!" Note – It's not my joke, only sharing.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I can see it clearly.
It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
I woke up exhausted
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Now my wife wants a divorce.
The second hand store
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
Together, we can stop this shit.
It's a little too crude.
It was a booby trap
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. “Aye right Show me.” Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks “who’s been a good boy then?” Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. “what he say?” Mate asks
"woof" guy replies
The pupils. They dilate.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
This invention was ground breaking
Fuck you pear, you taste like shit
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Boil the heck out of it.
She was furious. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” she said.
…to meet the new mortician…
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
He put on another coat
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women