So the Zodiac Killer is playing tough guy on twitter
I met my girlfriend at an African language class…
We just clicked!
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.
He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.” The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!” The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates…
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.
So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl? EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine. Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name? EDITH: Alas, I know not. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles Then your name is mine! Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter
Which sucks because he had a great fall
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…