So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living…
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll.
50 Shades of Gray
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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?" A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
My girlfriend just left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
A young man was talking to his parents
Son: I decided that I'm ready to tell you that I'm gay. Dad: *clenches his fist * Mom: Don't… Dad: *sweats profusely * Mom: …. Dad: Hi gay, I'm dad! Son: Dad, cut it out, I'm serious. Dad: Serious? I thought you were gay
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
