So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
Oops, wrong place for this post
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.
But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
