So…this just hap punned
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
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Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Why do HK police go to work early?
To beat the crowds.
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside. A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by: "do you need a lift?" She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other. "it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here" "it's a pleasure babe". "what do you do?" she asks "I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers. She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?" "yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?" Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it: "well you see… I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting… and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it… today is also my little sister's birthday…" "well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear. "where are we going?" "you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday…" She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it – for her dear sister. He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new. "what worries you, babe?" "Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I… I don't really know if…" He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day" He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth: "Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and …"
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse
"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient." "Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she laughed at the mans penis, she composed herself as well as she could. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" She ran out of the room…..
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’ At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
That's the harvest part.
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil