President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Wife: “I made our daughter a waffle this morning.”
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
Do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain?
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
A Canadian..
Can't.
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
As a part of their job, executioners are not allowed to high five their victims before executing them.
It’s their job to leave them hanging.
Jack And Jill
Jill and Jack go to Catholic school. Jill is known for sleeping. The teacher asks Jill “Who created Earth?” Jack pokes Jill with his pencil. She yells “Oh my God!” “that is correct Jill.” She goes back to sleep. The teacher asks Jill “Who is our Lord and Saviour ?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “Jesus Christ!” Teacher says “Correct again Jill.” Jill goes to sleep. Teacher asks Jill “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Jack pokes Jill. Jill yells “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”