So true

https://ift.tt/2LlHArE

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows
Wife bad

Wife bad

https://ift.tt/36XsAsY

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

https://ift.tt/2XGqYjv

Oh yeah thanks for explaining

Oh yeah thanks for explaining

I’m not saying but I’m just saying …

I’m not saying but I’m just saying …

https://ift.tt/2ta3SXZ

Two deers walk out of a gay bar

One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.

For my fiancé!

For my fiancé!

https://ift.tt/38FNeiA

Tumblr increased the homicide rate

Tumblr increased the homicide rate

It seems had a hard breakup

It seems had a hard breakup

https://ift.tt/2Z510ZN

shitty.code()

shitty.code()

https://ift.tt/2MuSXxp

Purebread

Purebread

What’s it called when a chicken stops laying eggs?

Henopause

Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?

He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. “Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited, She said “Look in the garage.”

This one shouldn’t have got me as much as it did.

This one shouldn’t have got me as much as it did.

Patience people

Patience people

https://ift.tt/3dPSDX6

Social media bad, board games good

Social media bad, board games good

https://ift.tt/2WTKqJa

Which playing cards are the best dancers?

The king and queen of clubs.

From r/memes… such a sweet post without the addition

From r/memes… such a sweet post without the addition

a double

a double

I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.

I’m sorry Ms. Jackson

I’m sorry Ms. Jackson

I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

I used to smoke weed and go to the class…

sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.

My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.

I sleep in the dark.

Very Stable indeed.

Very Stable indeed.

https://ift.tt/2QvNmsG

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."

It’s not even edited well

It’s not even edited well

Mom humor

Mom humor

Anti-Vaxxers have suffered an integer overflow

Anti-Vaxxers have suffered an integer overflow

https://ift.tt/3aGrnsu

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

I was reading an article and then this

I was reading an article and then this

https://ift.tt/2XDIgjD

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always ​ Coming ​ From ​ Take ​ Me ​ Down

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsight.

If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on.

I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That’s …. a big step.”

Someone finally put it into terms even Trump can understand

Someone finally put it into terms even Trump can understand

https://ift.tt/2xkGCIf

Why did China get invaded?

They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.

I hate this

I hate this

https://ift.tt/2T3S4Rh

I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked

I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived

It’s git commit either way

It’s git commit either way

https://ift.tt/36qRhij

Someone help him

Someone help him

https://ift.tt/2Q4hkoL

This is what my girlfriend has to put up with lol

This is what my girlfriend has to put up with lol

https://ift.tt/2z70waF

3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "

Grafic dezign is my pasion

Grafic dezign is my pasion

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

I just had to divorce an Apple employee

It was an iDivorce

How was the roman empire cut in half

With a pair of Caesars

You can tell Monopoly is an old game…

…because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Old but gold

Old but gold

https://ift.tt/3glu4m3

Soemtimes this is the way

Soemtimes this is the way

https://ift.tt/3a9I3I0

My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

I have three of them

I have three of them

https://ift.tt/36JS0e5

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

Did you know the keyboard never sleeps

Because it has two shifts

What is the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?

Roverdose

Unnecessary…

Unnecessary…

This is why we should bring back eugenics

This is why we should bring back eugenics

Save the earth!!!

Save the earth!!!

https://ift.tt/37HNDAi

Kid these days

Kid these days

https://ift.tt/2tnuEMJ

I’ve seen enough I’m satisfied

I’ve seen enough I’m satisfied

https://ift.tt/2SqfjUF

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She keeps running away from the ball.

haha funny skyrim

haha funny skyrim

Comedy good. People bad.

Comedy good. People bad.

https://ift.tt/32LTz9Y

I sense a disturbance in the force.

I sense a disturbance in the force.

There’s a circle of hell for pun humour

There’s a circle of hell for pun humour

[Not my meme] But do you know the answer?

[Not my meme] But do you know the answer?

https://ift.tt/2PMy6Zv

That’s very punny

That’s very punny

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…

Thanks for sharing with us

Thanks for sharing with us

Welfare Check:

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."

Current x Voltage

Current x Voltage

https://ift.tt/2o9AWwO

How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?

They twerk from home.

Silly thing I did instead of studying biochemistry

Silly thing I did instead of studying biochemistry

https://ift.tt/2T3wvAv

Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?

Assholes.

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"

My wife finally let me pick out the outfits this year 😎🤓

My wife finally let me pick out the outfits this year 😎🤓

https://ift.tt/2JDJSSx

502 bad gateway

502 bad gateway

https://ift.tt/2LuDRIe

Knowing sign language could really come in handy.

No text found

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A – meano -acid

What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck

If you hard. Then you hard. From r/me_irl

If you hard. Then you hard. From r/me_irl

I’m pretty sure this counts

I’m pretty sure this counts

Linked lists ftw

Linked lists ftw

https://ift.tt/3cUOO1m

Ohhh heliummmmm!

Ohhh heliummmmm!

https://ift.tt/3d2CpZO

But her emails!

But her emails!

https://ift.tt/2xCbjJB

Had to correct this image a bit.

Had to correct this image a bit.

I w(o)rk in a medicinal chemistry lab researching anti-cancer agents. My supervisor is (c)onvinced that gloves are for the weak.

I w(o)rk in a medicinal chemistry lab researching anti-cancer agents. My supervisor is (c)onvinced that gloves are for the weak.

https://ift.tt/2XTMe5B

phones….

phones….

https://ift.tt/35Mm9tc

Why was the poor man selling yeast?

To raise some dough

What do the really fast ducks say?

Quick

Their inconsistencies and hypocrisies are almost palpable.

Their inconsistencies and hypocrisies are almost palpable.

https://ift.tt/2WUjScz

This has to be the boomerest thing I’ve ever seen

This has to be the boomerest thing I’ve ever seen

https://ift.tt/2VX33O8

Old people are so brutal

Old people are so brutal

https://ift.tt/2MoM01Z

How the US right wing responds to threats to our freedoms

How the US right wing responds to threats to our freedoms

https://ift.tt/2SaU6Oz

I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet

But the thyme is cumin.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."

Found this on a populair memepage

Found this on a populair memepage

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