So true
Why did Donald Trump’s hair not blow off in the wind?
Because he dodged the draft.
My wife phoned me while away.
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
A man calls his home and a boy answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?" "Hey dad it's me," answers the boy "Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks "Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers "Where is your mother?" asks the man. The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman." The man is fuming and says to the boy, "Listen very carefully, I need you to do something." "What will I have to do?" The man tells him, "I want you to get my gun from the garage, and then come back." The boy puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then the boy comes back. "Now what, Dad?" He asks. "Go upstairs to where your mum is, and shoot her and whoever she is with." The man hears footsteps, then two gunshots, and the boy comes back. "What do I do with the bodies" the boy asks The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the boy answers, "But we don't have a pool." There is a long pause, before the man answers. "Sorry, wrong number."
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?
Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast
A man walks into a bar
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?” The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?” The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
Having gay parents must be horrible
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Hands down.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
![Guy on the floor robs the robber [Only in SA]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-130-400x247.png)
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
Our solar system sucks.
1 star.