What I if told you
You read the title wrong
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
How can you tell when a joke is a ‘dad joke’?
When its apparent.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. π
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
I have to brag, I have sex almost every day…
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking JK, Rolling
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
I am your motherfu*ker.
I am your motherfu*ker.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
Atheism,
Itβs a non-prophet organization.
If you can guess the number inside this post, I’ll give you $1,000,000! (hint: it’s between 3 and 5)
4.29784569834593847593845938745 Awww… so close!
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You canβt tell me thatβs just a coincidence.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least thatβs the word on the street.
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…