So true!
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’
Self isolation is getting so bad I’m starting to crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married more than 27 years!
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
In the wake of the coronavirus outbreak…
I bet the people who invented hand sanitiser are rubbing their hands together.
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
Where are all the dad jokes stored?
At the dadabase.
I gave up my seat to a blind lady in the bus..
And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
