So two aliens find their way to earth
They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
But let me give it a shot.
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
Is was working overtime.
Which I really didn't appreciate.
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
To tell people he was a vegan.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Math puns make me number
I know because I kept a log.
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Taken: Out Of Context.
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
Is that you coffin?
Nothing, they fast
Because Fuck U, that's why.
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
She didn’t even know I existed…