So unnecessary
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
Not Enough Candles? No Problem! (Finally Found a Use For Binary In Real World)
https://ift.tt/2LQoHNK
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
A high school is having a talent show.
The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man