So unnecessary
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland π
Several scientists were all posed the following question: βWhat is 2 * 2 ?β
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, β3.99β The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, βIt lies between 3.98 and 4.02β The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, βI don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!β Philosopher smiles, βBut what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?β Logician replies, βPlease define 2 * 2 more precisely.β The sociologist, βI don't know, but is was nice talking about it.β Behavioral Ecologist, βA polygamous mating system.β Medical Student, β4β All others looking astonished, βHow did you know ?β Medical Student, βI memorized it.β
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally Iβm on the fence.
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
Yo mammaβs so ugly…
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesnβt have to kiss her goodbye.
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
My albino terrier was bleeding and a woman asked “is he ok!?”
I just told her that he was all white.
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket. I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong. He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
I finally figured out whatβs wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prints.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
β¦with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, βThatβs outrageous!β
He just shrugged and said, βThatβs inflation for you.β
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
Itβs something I could always see myself doing
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.