So Unnecessary
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
The only thing Flat Earthers fear…
…Is sphere itself.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book. “I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book. “Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
I hate spelling errors!
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined