so you a gentleman or…?
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
The shortest sentence is ‘I am.’
The longest sentence is ‘I do.’
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
I just found an origami porn site…
… but it’s paper view only.
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder