Soapy
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
An apology from the boss of the House of Illuminati
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?
Abdominal snowman
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.โฆ" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
Sheโs a really big help.
Knock knock
Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock knock. Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna happy new year! Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit ๐
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Hereโs a collection of boomer Christmas cards for you guys this jolly season
https://ift.tt/2sts1Ia
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
Fun fact you canโt breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile ๐
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christโs sake
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones donโt make it write.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
Hiring manager: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
Man: "Iโd say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."