Social distance
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I’m going to Mexico
but not by choice though
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
