No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
To go with the traffic jam.
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
And now we have a virus.
A nervous wreck.
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite excited about the new arrival and told all of the townspeople to come see it! Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the plant ate one of the townsfolk. Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time so, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only police officer stood up and declared "I'm the law in these parts, I'll run them out!" This was met with approval by one and all. So, the police officer goes to the flower shop and, tells the monks "get out of town and take your man-eating plant with you!' The monks are rather shocked by this and ask the officer if he has even seen the offending plant in order to get the evidence he needed to run them off. He of course hadn't so, he goes in to see the plant, and wouldn't you know it, he gets to close and it eats him! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only fire fighter stood up and declared "I'll chop down that plant with my trusty ax!" This was met with approval by one and all. And so, the fireman goes to the shop to run the monks out of town, he is met by the bewildered monks at the door of the shop. "get out of my way monks!" he cries, "I'm here to take care of that pesky plant of yours!". Frightened by this burly man wielding an ax, the monks quickly retreat. The fireman charges into the room, trips over a loose board and falls right into the mouth of the man eating plant! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer or a fire fighter now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. A little elderly woman near the back stands up and meekly says, "My nephew Hugh can stop them!" There is great commotion in response to this but, the people finally agree that this is as good of a plan as any, "not like we have anyone else, right?" And so, Hugh, goes down to the flower shop and demands that the monks leave town immediately and that they take their man-eating plant with them. And wouldn't you know it, those monks took off faster than you could blink! The moral of this story, Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
But when I do, he laughs
Because they make up literally everything.
Because it's gross income
They’re waiting for their turn
Now the steaks are high.
It's a piece of cake.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Because he only comes once a year
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
There was no coffin at his funeral!
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
A pigment of your imagination
Looks like I finally did something right.
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
It was a Big Mcsteak
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
It’s soda pressing.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
The second time let me down