Social distance
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
Who did Luke Skywalker learn to make pastries from?
WARNING: THIS JOKE IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE Obi-wanCANNOLI I’ll show myself out.
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the hoast ask the other two : How do you split your money with the Lord ? "I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest. The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" . "How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest. I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
