What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said “son, what is A for?” “Apple!” “That’s right! What is B for?” “Banana!” That’s right! What is C for?” “Explosive!”
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.
Then he fired me.
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."