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A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
Power outages delight me.
No text found
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses…
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.
I lost interest in that relationship
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead