Socialism is bad mmkay
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
In Alabama, we donโt do the Reverse Cowgirl
We never turn our back on Family
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
I was addicted to masturbating, now Iโm addicted to sex.
Itโs really gotten out of hand.
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
I can’t take my dog to the pond any more, the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts โRover!โ He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts โRover!โ Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts โRover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!โ
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
President Trump said “No politician in history โ and I say this with great surety โ has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
Do you know whatโs cool?
Winter.
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet