SOCIALISM
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers…
So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy – "$750" Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy – "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
*slaps knee*
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