Software developments step 0: search for existing solutions

One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.

They steal all of the bases.

Leave me the Fu Cologne.

…until the pressure got to him.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Taco Bell.

A bad joke timing

Stuck!

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

You never turn your back on family.

"How am I still alive?"

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Airport security, for example.

A ratatatatat

An assassin

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man. The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid. They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you? John scratches his head and says: Me? I get laid almost everyday. The first two are dumbfounded. ALMOST EVERY DAY? They ask. John says: Yeah. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday….

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."

He can't sweat, but he pants.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat." But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us." So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant. "Sorry," says the owner, "no pets allowed." "But this is my seeing-eye dog," the guy with the Dalmatian says. "A Dalmatian?" "Yes, they're using them now." The owner says, "Very well, then, come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." "But this is my seeing-eye dog," says the second guy. "A Chihuahua?" asks the incredulous owner. "A Chihuahua?!" says the man in the dark glasses. "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"