I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice…
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners