Some college student I’m friends with on fb has the mentality of a boomer
What is a deal-breaker for the cult?…Own it
Nowadays It is more important to see the Manufacturer country than Expire Date.
i feel bad for laughing
Every hungry child out there.. 😂🤷♂️
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
Forbidden Mike and Ikes
Why are we like this
You never really know
We all know that guy
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
We all have our Achilles heel
40% of cops can relate.
Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I mean…is there even a punchline?
ups is the worst isp ever
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
[X-post] political humor
English, the best programming language
It’s Not Just America
🎶Meet Lorge Jetson🎶
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
Am I a joke to you?
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Work harder not smarter
Happy Valentine’s Day
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
This can’t get more accurate
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
Learning to program in 2020
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
Ashley Parker did the math
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
Does it count?
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
The Onion gets it
Why are so many people hungry?
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
The bathroom in my hotel lobby is worth more than my car…
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
molecular biologist be like
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
My unorthodox way of keeping my gaming laptop from getting too hot
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
Based on a True Story. [tap to view full meme]
There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money…
But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He told his secretary to send $2 to the boy. The President thought it would be a lot of money for the little boy. The boy was happy to receive money from God, so he sat down to write a thank-you note that read: Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it via Washington, and as usual, the devils took 80% of it!
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show?
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
The Three Monks
Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite excited about the new arrival and told all of the townspeople to come see it! Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the plant ate one of the townsfolk. Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time so, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only police officer stood up and declared "I'm the law in these parts, I'll run them out!" This was met with approval by one and all. So, the police officer goes to the flower shop and, tells the monks "get out of town and take your man-eating plant with you!' The monks are rather shocked by this and ask the officer if he has even seen the offending plant in order to get the evidence he needed to run them off. He of course hadn't so, he goes in to see the plant, and wouldn't you know it, he gets to close and it eats him! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. The town's only fire fighter stood up and declared "I'll chop down that plant with my trusty ax!" This was met with approval by one and all. And so, the fireman goes to the shop to run the monks out of town, he is met by the bewildered monks at the door of the shop. "get out of my way monks!" he cries, "I'm here to take care of that pesky plant of yours!". Frightened by this burly man wielding an ax, the monks quickly retreat. The fireman charges into the room, trips over a loose board and falls right into the mouth of the man eating plant! Now, this was a small town, remember, and it was now getting smaller all the time. They did not even have a police officer or a fire fighter now! So, the mayor called a meeting at the small old town hall. Once the few remaining residents has gathered, he asked them what they thought they should do about the monks and their man-eating plant. A little elderly woman near the back stands up and meekly says, "My nephew Hugh can stop them!" There is great commotion in response to this but, the people finally agree that this is as good of a plan as any, "not like we have anyone else, right?" And so, Hugh, goes down to the flower shop and demands that the monks leave town immediately and that they take their man-eating plant with them. And wouldn't you know it, those monks took off faster than you could blink! The moral of this story, Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
Epidemiologists know what’s up