Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
Something inside me says yes
So I packed my bags and right.
I guess we are raised differently.
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
…I can't pull anything out in time!
I told him that was a blanket statement.
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
If it were served warm it would be justwater
Then I got kicked out of the library.
But let me give it a shot.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Mothers Against Dyslexia
An r/jokes subredditor walks into a bar and the bartender immediately makes him an exotic cocktail. “How’d you know that’s what I wanted?”
"You come here every fucking day and it's always the same fucking thing."
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
and the other duplikate.
He uses a COWculater.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Because water decreases concentration.
I have no shelf control.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
They were sole mates
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
She’s a nightmare
Good players are hard to find.
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
He was a marvel
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
Never mind, you won’t get it.
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
But he was nicholas.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
A spelling bee.