Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.