Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
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My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
