Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
But none of them work
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
I've never run so far in my life.
You have to urn it
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
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My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
But I don't like living in the past.
why does it bring out people's inner child?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
Y'know, one would have been enough.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
But I can't speak for everyone.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
All the red flags.
Nice to meat — ew!
Just in case there's a salad dressing
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.