Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
What are Mexican proteins made of?
Amigo acids
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: β¦I want a lawyer
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
The teacher walked into the classroom
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
Just so everybody is clear
Iβm gonna put my glasses on
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest! Me: Why? Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle. Me: Did you say six? Police: that is correct, six! Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm…
When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they donβt know how they will get their friend out. So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer… again they bang on the door, no answer. In a fury the chicken busts down the door and grabs the keys to the Mercedes parked out front. Then the two of them grab some rope. The pig then drives down to the mud hole and attaches one end of the rope to the horse and the other to the bumper. The pig then pulls the horse out with the Mercedes. The next day, the three of them are walking again and the chicken falls into the same hole. The pig begins to say βI know what to do!β and begins to run back to the house, but the horse stops him and says βhold on, watch thisβ. The horse then steps over the mud hole and says to the chicken, βgrab hold of my penisβ. The chicken complies as he doesnβt want to die in the mud hole and grabs hold of the penis and the horse pulls him out. The moral of the story is, when youβre hung like a horse, you donβt need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, βSo, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?β The Lone Ranger responds, βIβd like to speak to my horse.β The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silverβs ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangerβs Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits heβs impressed. βYou have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?β The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horseβs ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chiefβs surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangerβs tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. βYou are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. βWhat is your last request?β The Lone Ranger responds,β Iβd like to speak to my horseβ¦.ALONE.β The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Rangerβs tent. Once theyβre alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: βListen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last timeβ¦β¦β¦. . BRING POSSE!!!!β
Smaller babies are always delivered by storkβ¦
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them…
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves". The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach. The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face. Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?" The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks βWhy is the last one so cheap?β
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry
He has selfie steam problems.