Some languages are for the hardcore.
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. Youâll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
When two ginger people conceive a child…
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then heâs a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because theyâre brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said â1 dollar for dirty joke.â
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: âAlright sir whats your name? Me: âUsername-valid â Homeless man: âSo username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken haveâ Me: âtwo?â Homeless man: âRight, now how many wings this black rooster got?â Me: âtwo?â Homeless man: âRight, now how many eyes this black rooster got?â Me: âtwo?â Homeless man: âRight again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: âI donât know? A lot?â Homeless man: âWell username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.â
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat Iâve ever had
What’s the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo Doll before it leaves the factory?
They give it two test tickles.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
When I drink too much alcohol Iâm called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… Iâm very lonely.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
Itâs the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. Itâs full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guyâs table, points at him and says in a loud voice: âI FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!â Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesnât move, but he also doesnât take his eyes off the old man. âYou hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!â The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. âWhatâs the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ainât you got nothing to say?!â Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . âLetâs get you home, Grampa. Youâre drunk.â
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I canât wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driverâs license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, âMaâam, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?â She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. âJesus, lady,â says the cop. âWhat are you so afraid of?â The old lady looks him in the eye and says, âNot a fucking thing.â
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
Itâs a gateway rug
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
